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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 23, 2013 1:35am-2:06am PDT

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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, you know, please... >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. you people are the greatest. folks, if you watch the news like i do, you know that the obama administration is embroiled in so many scandals that trying to pick which one to report on is like trying to pick which of your children to impeach. now, for the record, it's the one who ate chips in daddy's den. you know the rules. thankfully, congress made the decision for me today by putting the spotlight on the irs who have admitted to targeting tea party groups.
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now, we've already seen the resignation of acting commissioner steven miller, but house speaker john boehner believes we can do more. >> my question isn't about who is going to resign. my question is who is going to jail over this scandal. >> stephen: boehner, out! [ cheers and applause ] i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i've been told i have about 25 minutes of show left to do. but, folks, i've got to say m.c. tangerine dream is right. this irs thing is a jailable offense and obama knows it. i mean just listen to what he
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said to joe biden. >> do you realize what this means? scandal and prison. that's what it means. one of us is going to jail. well, it's not going to be me. >> stephen: wait a second. who is that squirrel? what does he know? is he connected to acorn? i want his nuts on a platter. [ cheers and applause ] well, folks, today congress finally heard from lois lerner, an i.r.s. official and i believe superman's ex-girlfriend. and the person who first revealed that tea party groups were being targeted by the i.r.s. finally, after weeks of demanding answers we in cable news can stop filling 24 hours with wild, rivetting and
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actually plausible theories of interagency conspiracy and just get down to the cold, hard facts so we can end this rampant and exciting speculation. yeah, that's what i want. so, what did she say? >> i've been advised by my counsel to assert my constitutional right not to testify or answer questions related to the subject matter of this hearing. >> stephen: yes! i mean, what? i mean, without her testimony, we'll be left with nothing but our imagination.
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>> why won't lerner spill the beans about what she knows? >> why if you have nothing to hide and you're a truth teller and you're of a sound mind and she seems to be. why doesn't she sit in that witness stand and answer truthfully? what does she got to be afraid of? >> the suspicion is growing that someone or other the obama administration used the machinery of government to get itself re-elected in 2012, whether it was the i.r.s. or whether it was knocking out car dealerships that belonged to republicans. >> remember george orwell's 1984? that's exactly what this is. she wants to protect herself or she's taking the fifth because she wants to protect the white house. does she have a fear for the white house or a fear from the white house? >> is it snowing? is it she knows she's done something wrong that only affects the i.r.s.? or is it she knows there's something wrong that goes above her? >> stephen: yes, does she know? and what does she know? and how do we know she. >> s what she knows? and did obama know what she knows that she knew?
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and what about john sununu? and, folks, ultimately is all this just a way to cover up the fact that solyndra sold solar panels to the consulate in benghazi using the associated press as a mule to smuggle guns into mexico as part of fast and furious? [ cheers and applause ] thanks to mrs. lerner's refusal to testify, that's as accurate as i need to be. now, nation, sometimes i feel like a lone voice crying in the wilderness. then i put my glasses back on and realize these trees are actually just cameras. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. [ cheers and applause ]
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folks, of course, i don't have to remind you that we are losing the war on marijuana, unless you're a doper, in which case you have the short-term memory of a sand crab. and this week the pot problem only got worse. >> kentucky's two senators say they are not giving up on industrial hemp. senators mitch mcconnell and rand paul were joined by several kentucky congressmen in signing a letter to the, a measure that would allow industrial hemp farming in the federal government lifts its current restrictions. >> stephen: that's right. these senators are trying to turn kentucky into a den of thin instead of a wholesome place to pound burbon while watching tiny people whip horses for sport. that's why tonight i'm giving a wag of my finger to senators mitch and chong here. of course, these kentucky ken-tokers are saying hemp is different from marijuana because it contains almost no t.h.c. and
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is used to make sustainable products like rope and paper. in fact when asked about his support for hemp rand paul said quote, "i'm fascinated by the paper thing. one acre of hemp is equal to two acres of trees. trees take 15 years and hemp one season. somebody said the declaration of independence is is on hemp paper. i don't know if that's true or not. i've heard it though." sadly, folks... [ cheers and applause ] sadly, puff the magic senator here might be on to something about the declaration being written on hemp. it would explain why it's signed by founding fathers john hancock, ben franklin and zeppelin rules.
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next up, folks, everybody loves disney world. the rides, the costumes, the walt-sicles. so much fun. but win thing ruins the disney magic and that's the long lines. fortunately if you've got the cash, there's a way to get a jump on the riffraff. >> casting light on how the rich hit disney world. the new york post reports they're hiring disabled people to pose as family members so they can jump to the front of the lines with their kids. the black market disney guides run $130 an hour or just over $1,000 a day. >> stephen: yes, skip lines by hiring the disabled or just go to the hall of presidents and steal f.d.r. that's why tonight i am giving the next tip of my hat to resourceful rich folk. traveling with the special needs set does bring special perks.
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>> one mom speaking out this morning has no shame in her game. she says, hey, my daughter waited one minute to ride it's a small world. the other kids had to wait more than two hours. >> stephen: that's right, losers. thanks to her little handy-pal, that little girl just blew past your sorry asses so she could be the first to hear a message of unity and understanding. sucks to be you! [ cheers and applause ] but, folks, you know what? now that it's out there, i have an admission to make. i too have been hitching a right on the gravy wheelchair. in fact, to get special stuff i have a whole stable full of handicappedded people. i mean not literally. it's heated. thanks to them, i get the best parking spots. i'm always first to board the plane. and oh, the wishes they make.
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i met michael jordan. i got a tour of nasa. i seen swam with dolphins. it's a real shame, it's a real shame that the kid's doctors said he couldn't get in the water cause of his thing. but he still had fun. i sprayd him with a super soaker. we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, as you may know, i am no fan of public television. hey, three tenors, opera da 'english. fortunately, pbs's federal funding has been drying up to the point that the government's contribution now makes up only 12% of its funds. with budgets tighter every year charlie rose may soon have stop
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broadcasting from space. that's why pbs has become more and more dependent on viewers nothing like you. for instance, billionaire industryist david koch who has donated $23 million to public television. koch, of course, is the influential conservative and executive of koch industries, makers of brawny paper towels, stainmaster carpet, dixie cups and thanks to factory run off sexually ambiguous trout. recently... good looking trout. recently pbs has been accused of scuttling documentary called citizen koch because they feared the reaction from david koch. i guess for a donation of $75, you get the pbs tote bag and for $23 million you get pbs's nut sack. but... but... [ cheers and applause ]
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but, it is nice. it is nice to see that pbs finally gets it. i mean, if you want to make it in the tv biz you can't say bad stuff about your meal ticket. that's why i will never reveal that my sponsor, mountain dew was originally mario ducci. he changed his name in the '70s after he went state's evidence against the gambino crime family and became part of the witness refreshment program. but i say it is not enough just to avoid saying nasty things about david koch. pbs should replace cookie monster with a roll of brawny paper towels. just as lovable and twice as absorbent. we'll be right
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has an acclaimed rock band whose new album is "trouble will find me." i assume it's a concept album by the obama administration. please welcome from the national, matt burninger. [ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming on. good to see you. a lot of excitement having the national on here. >> good, thank you. stephen: you have a new album out here. it's called trouble will find me. all right. are you tempting fate with the
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name of this? what do you mean that trouble will find me? have you seen trouble? have you paid your dues? >> not that much trouble but average human trouble, i guess. i think it's sort of... >> stephen: good story. we were going to call it that. average human trouble. >> stephen: i like that. that's good. it found me. you guys from cincinatti. from cincinatti, did you eat the spaghetti with the chilly on top? >> once a week all the time. stephen: not meant to. it's in leviticus, i think. you guys like this thing out there right now. you guys are huge. >> we were doing well. stephen: you're getting the colbert bump tonight.
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>> we're not that hip though. stephen: i don't think we're that... i'm. >> i'm 42. stephen: you can't be hip because that's not that far away from a hip replacement. >> it's harder to be hip. stephen: good to know. you guys have a reputation of perfectionists. did you reach perfection with this album? >> no, no. i think we just try to make it... we always like try to make a record that will last forever. >> stephen: nothing big, just forever. so basically james joys' ulysses, this album. what does the national mean? >> it doesn't... the name of the band... >> stephen: what, what? it was meant to mean nothing. stephen: move on. move on. i don't want to waste your time
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or these people's time. >> okay. stephen: that's not it. thank you. matt burninger, play a song? >> yep. stephen: we'll be right back with a performance by the nationals. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: here to perform a song off their new album, trouble will find me, ladies and gentlemen, the nationals. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ graceless ♪ i'm trying but i'm graceless ♪ ♪ don't have the sunny side to face this ♪ i am invisible and weightless ♪
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you can't imagine how i hate this ♪ ♪ graceless ♪ i'm trying but i've gone ♪ through the glass again ♪ just come and find me ♪ god loves everybody, don't remind me ♪ ♪ i took the medicine when i went missing ♪ ♪ just let me hear your voice, just let me listen ♪ ♪ graceless ♪ i figured out how to be faithless ♪ ♪ but it will be a shame to waste this ♪ ♪ you can't imagine how i hate this ♪ ♪ graceless ♪ i'm trying but i've gone
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♪ through the glass again ♪ just come and find me ♪ god loves everybody, don't remind me ♪ ♪ i took the medicine and i went missing ♪ ♪ just let me hear your voice, just let me listen ♪ ♪ all of my thoughts of you ♪ bullets through rock and through ♪ ♪ come apart at the seams ♪ now i know what dying means ♪ i am not my rosy self ♪ let my roses on my shelf ♪ take the wild ones, they're my favorites ♪ ♪ it's the side effects that save us ♪ ♪ grace ♪ put the flowers you find in a vase ♪ ♪ if you're dead in the mind, it will brighten the place ♪ ♪ don't let them die on the vine, it's a waste ♪
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♪ grace ♪ there's a science to walking through windows ♪ ♪ there's a science to walking through windows ♪ ♪ there's a science to walking through windows ♪ ♪ there's a science to walking through windows without you ♪ ♪ all of my thoughts of you ♪ bullets through rock and through ♪ ♪ come apart at the seams ♪ now i know what dying means ♪ i am not my rosy self ♪ left my roses on my shelf ♪ take the wild ones, they're my favorites ♪ ♪ it's the side effects that save us ♪ ♪ grace ♪ put the flowers you find in a vase ♪ ♪ if you're dead in the mind it will brighten the base ♪
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♪ don't let them die on the vine, it's a waste ♪ ♪ grace ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: the nationals "trouble will mind me." good night. [ cheers and applause ] - come on! yeah! that's what happens, man. [grunts] how old are you? wha? that's weird, 'cause that's really young to be a bitch! i see you. [grunts, yells repeatedly] boom! no! [sobs] if this was jail, i would [bleep] you in the shower! - block! - blake, let's go. we're leaving for the office now. - have you been playing playstation all night?
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- [grunts] warriors don't sleep. i'll be just a minute, man. it's almost over. - i'm not giving you a minute. the 'vo's a s'go! - argh, the 'vo's a s'go, though, don't you know. - i think blake seriously has a problem with that thing. - maybe. - hold up! - here we go. - what's up? - [pants] - you want a ride to work, you gotta jump in, warrior. - aw, come on, guys, stop the car. - i missed jamie foxx on charlie rose because of you and that playstation, bub. - i d.v.r.'d it! - one... two... - [growls] oh! - whoa! - oh. - oh, my god, i don't believe this. excuse me. - you got choco tacos? - i'm lookin' for a chipwich. - hey, guys! get me a bomb pop. [hip-hop music] ♪ - ♪ i'm fresh ♪ ♪ you gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪ ♪ gotta be fresh - that game is, like, taking over your life, man. - yeah, when's the last time you took a shower? - i'll take a shower when i make the top 50.
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- top 50 of what? - the top 50 players on the leader board get to take a trip to vegas to be in this big kumite tournament. uh, that's like bloodsport. there's a rumor that jean-claude van damme's gonna be there. - that sounds awesome. so what are you ranked? - 7,769. - oh, so he's right there. - yeah. i am. i just need to train a little, and then i might get to meet jean-claude and get his "claude-o-graph." - all right. - that's cool. - i got wesley snipe's claude-o-graph at a menards when i was a kid. - seriously? - yeah. - my mom kissed evander holyfield at a house party before i was born. - see me fade away! - oh! [all shouting] oh, that almost went in! - hey, jillian, sweetheart. have you been crying? i mean, like, more than, like, your normal amount? - a little bit, yeah. alice is in an especially shouty mood today. her divorce papers came through, and she's just been acting like a real trick. - divorce papers? cool. - i'm not afraid of her. i will head-butt that cross-eyed bitch. - jillian, get back to your desk. - totally. - holmvik, do you have that website proposal for me, or what? - yes. yeah, yeah, i got it right here.

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